[x]

What Do I Have to Do?I made it a year
I completed my goal
I should be proud
My joy should be full

But I don't feel that way
And I still want to do it
So why did I stop?
What point was there to it?

Who was it for?
Was it for me?
But I don't feel that glad
So it just couldn't be

Was it for them?
My family and friends?
Is that why I wanted
This cycle to end?

They must be so happy
I've made it this far
They must be so proud
I'm sure that they are

But why am I not?
I know I should be
But I still do not feel
Like I'm at all free

Perhaps I'm not there yet
That's why I'm not glad
I still feel so weak
Still afraid and still sad

So how long will

Catch me if you canI’m the anorexic at the local gym whom everybody watches but nobody looks at.
I’m the bulimic at school whom everybody pretends not to know about.
I’m the girl in your gym class with too many scars to be telling the truth.
I’m the kid with her head down in the library who is always “fine.”
I’m the boy who 'fell down the stairs'...again.
I’m the child who doesn't show up for school lunch because it's too expensive.
I’m the teenager living a double life in front of your very eyes.
Catch me if you can.

What IfWhat if you had succeeded last year
Took enough to make your world go black
Those three words I would never hear
The friendship we wouldn't have got back

What if I hadn't asked to see you
Had already moved on
Did you want to see me too
Or were you already too far gone

What if you hadn't decided I was important again
I was only a vague memory
Where would we have needed to begin
For you to remember me

What if we hadn't got back together
Would we be better friends
Forget about you, I could never
I don't want this to be the end

I Need You.What if I need you to stop me?
What if I need you to stop me making myself sick for the fifth time today?
What if I need you to stop me running that razor across my wrist tonight?
But I've got to not need you anymore...

Where are you?
Where are you when I swallow all those pills?
Where are you when I run out of a classroom bursting into tears?
But you're not here for me anymore...

Who can I talk to?
Who can I talk to when I don't want to eat for four days?
Who can I talk to when I can't take things anymore?
But you don't really care anymore....

Who can give me that support?
Who's going to tell me it's okay to be scared?
Who's go

I want to be....I want to be one of those girls
The ones with the three inch gap between their thighs and the stick thin legs.
One of those teenagers
Who you see in the street with their arms all sliced up.
One of those children
Who don't have to count everything.
One of those kids
Who have a boyfriend and are never alone.
One of those students
Who has loads of friends.
One of those people
Who can be just 'Fine'.

But I want to be Normal.

I want to be able to eat.
I want to be able to not cut.
I want to be able to just relax.
I want to be able to not be alone.
I want to be able to make friends.
I want to be just fine.

Our ScarsScars fade, but never disappear completely. However, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Scars remind you of the battles you've fought, the trials you've faced and overcome. They show the world that you're human. You've struggled through life just as everyone else has at one point or another. You came out of the battle, not unscathed, but alive. You won the fight. If you hadn't, you'd still be bleeding. But you're not. You're wounds have healed and all that remains are little scars. But these scars aren't ugly. They're beau

untitled love poemI can close my eyes and your still there
we both lay silent neither of us dared
break a silence which kept us hypnotised
a trance we shared in eachothers eyes.
We lay there still, close and warm
comfortable in eachothers arms.
When words had said all they needed to say
we held eachother in sweet embrace
I cracked a joke you slapped my face
we both lay there laughing then silenly agin
we kissed eachother and there we remained
silently in silence coz none of us dared
break the moment that we shared.

A Waste...I am nothing
That's all I've ever been
And that is how I'll stay
I understand
It's alright
I'll accept

Though I won't blame god
I won't blame Mother Nature
The world
My family
My friends
Or my teachers
I blame myself
The way I am
Who I am

I'll do you no good
Better off staying away
Before it's too late
I'm not worth it
I'm not good enough

Guess I really was right
I'm just like the others
The waste of space
Getting in everyone's way
And this I always tell myself
Why am I even here?
Why?.....

This is when I knew.This is when I know I love you:
I can't do this anymore, I tell you
I can't
the moon cuts my room in half
black and white
before and after
and I ask what you'll do when I'm gone.
You don't answer
say you can't see that
can't think that
can't live that
and I think about staying for you.
But everything hurts
we both know that
and goodbye is inevitable,
one way or another.
Each night is a losing battle
but you fight some for me.
You hold me up.
You give me the stars
and I know that's cliché,
but that's how it feels –
like you cut out pieces of sky
and send them to me
to get me through till morning.
And some nights,
l

Shopping for SmilesThe smiles I send are fake
and I'm surprised you don't see that
see the plastic wrap still suffocating them
the price tag, the bloody barcode
the dust from sitting on the shelf too long.
My brand is cheap – though still too much –
the bare minimum
all that's needed to headline normal.
No one sees me shopping for happiness –
it's a private business
like the breaking that necessitates it.
Artificial sunlight,
masking the dark – that's my day
but after-hours, I search
for my brand of happiness.
I walk the aisles alone
which is how I do most things these days
and sometimes I wonder
am I the only one who has to buy this?
Am I th

How to Say I Love YouAlone at a computer screen, staring at an empty Word document,
Trying to write a letter to convey the butterflies in my stomach.
But with everything spinning through my head,
And with shaking fingers and a racing heartbeat,
All my emotions always seem to be just out of the reach of sentences.
A few pixels on the screen turn black,
But then back to white with the press of a key.
That's not what I wanted to say to you,
I don't want to sound insincere, but I don't know how to say this.
Flipping through a thesaurus,
Letting our memories flash through my head,
I begin to type, then realize that this sounds completely wrong.
I'm sorry,

Smash on the piano keysSmash on the piano keys
Scream out the lyrics
Closed eyes and listening up
Take in all of the bad and good
Give and take the bitterness
Lay it down in every note
Wash everything down in the crescendo
Play as though the world were silent
Desperate for a single sound
Feel the sweat glistening down
The audience of no one cheers on
Music echoes through the setting
Frustration is released into beauty
Become one with the rhythm
The world is no longer around in this space

Smash on the piano keys
Until everything is out
Cry in relief and in pain
Music is an old friend
Make a new song filled with thoughts
Or play a heartfelt tune

One year.It is July and I am a library book.
You borrow me but only peak inside, but that's enough to make you interested. But before you know it, you need to return the book and you're left wondering and soon also forgetting.

It is November and I am a puppy.
Excited and ready to explore, you adore me and I am all yours, even if I don't know it yet. We play together and I love every minute, every word.

It is December and I am a pillow.
A pillow to hug when no one else is there, a pillow who understands, and then gets sent to get washed and during those days there is only confusion.

It is February and I am a porcelain doll.
Fragile and to be han

PatienceI wonder if you know
just how long I have waited
for you to love me.

I Miss YouIt's been a year, but you're still constantly there
The memory of you and the pain you couldn't bear
No matter what I said or did I just could not get through
And now I'm forced to live every day without you

They tell me there's nothing I could have done
To stop the blade that cut your ties
But this hollow ache is making me come undone
All I want is you back by my side

I always keep your note right by my side
I read it over and over until I can only stare
I might not have known just how often you cried
But why did you think that nobody cared?

Browse More Like This

Download File
HTML, 741 bytes more ▶

More from *n1saxmds

Moon SonnetA wolf will ho-wl ev'ry time it shows
It gives off light on every night all year
It sometimes changes size and shape and pose
You see it best on starry nights so clear

It glows so brightly up above the clouds
Awaiting morning's shining sun to rise
It hears the song composed of nighttime sounds
It watches over people with its eyes

Its surface glistens like a snowflake does
When ere it softly drifts upon the ground
As the crickets beneath its glow do buzz
At times, this wondrous thing becomes so round

So when you hear the night's most lovely tune
Be sure to rest your gaze upon the moon.

Why I WriteFor me, when it comes to writing, it usually isn't for fun. It isn't to show off my talent. It's a way to express myself. I have a hard time expressing myself vocally. It's difficult for me to express myself to someone face to face. I can never say everything I want to say. If I do talk to someone about my feelings, afterwards I think of all these other things that I could've said, more things that I had wanted to say. But the conversation is over and I can't go back and change my words or say more than I already said. Even if I plan out what I want to say beforehand

View Gallery

Featured in Groups:

#XSlitxWristxTheoryX
xXxWhen Secrets are too muchxXx

#Self-InjuryClub
Here to support self-injurers

#Mental-IllnessClub
Keep Hope Alive

#NeverBeAlone
Everyone needs someone...

#BleedingArtists
show us your scars

#Mental-Health-Aware
Spreading fact, dispelling myths

#we-are-still-human
All different but still the same

#imreallyNOTokay
... trust me!

Show all (14)

Details

Submitted: December 27, 2012
File Size: 741 bytes

Link

Thumb

Statistics

Comments: 4
Favourites: 13 [who?]
Views: 174 (0 today)
Downloads: 1 (0 today)

License

Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.

[x]

What Was the Point?

by *n1saxmds, Dec 27, 2012, 10:32:36 AM
Literature / Prose / Non-Fiction / Emotional

I should feel happy
I made it through
I should feel like
I'm starting anew

But for some reason
What it is, I know not
I don't feel as excited
As I had first thought

So what was the point?
What did I gain?
I resisted the urges
But I still feel the same

Yes, I did do it
I did keep my goal
So why do I feel like
I'm still stuck in a hole?

I still feel the fear
I still feel the pain
All of these feelings
They all still remain

So what am I doing?
I'm feeling so lost
I made it a year
But at what cost?

What Was the Point?by *n1saxmds

Literature / Prose / Non-Fiction / Emotional

WARNING: Contains indirect mentioning of self-harm and may be triggering to some.

Okay so as I said in this poem (and in my most recent journal entry), I met my goal and did not S.I. for an entire year. However, I don't feel as happy and proud of myself as I think I should. I'm just kind of like, huh, I made it a year, good for me. Very nonchalant. I don't feel like anything really came of it. Yes, there are no new scars. Yes, my friends and family are happy for me. But I just don't feel that much joy or pride because of it. I know I should, so why don't I? I feel like it just cost me a comfort thing that helped me cope with negative feelings. Sure, I'll continue to fight the urge, but why? What was my motive to stop in the first place? I don't really know anymore.